R.I.P LIL Chris Hardman

I remember been in high school, wanting to come out and at one time wanting to be a rock star. I tried and failed to master the guitar and once my voice broke my singing voice was nowhere to be seen.

Then this cute boy called LIL Chris the same age as me, appeared on my screen, living out my dream, he became my first gay crush and I followed his success curiously through my teen years. As I got older he disappeared from view. He disappeared from the mainstream and tried to rebrand without critical success as Chris Hardman and he became another victim of depression.

The jaws of depression have gripped him tight and it would appear that he has taken his life. Something I've tried on numerous occasions. When I read the news my heart sank, to see someone who was my first gay crush suffer and be taken by depression is hard to stomach. Sadly it seems he tried to reach out about his depression on social media on a number of occasions and perhaps that voice wasn't heard. What's sad about this, is that perhaps intervention could have been possible if social media sites had better suicide prevention measures or indeed a facilities to help those feeling bullied, depressed or suicidal.

In times of crisis people often use social media as an outlet to cry for help but far to often that voice isn't heard. It's time society starts to detect the signs of depression and treat this illness like any other. Without stigma.

On a side note, the trolls on YouTube and other social media should be ashamed, I've read comments that have accused him of taking the "easy way out". For the record in my opinion, suicide is one of the most bravest and rewarding things someone with depression can do. When you can see no answers and you can see no light, no hope, no future. To take back control of your life even at those last moments and have control over your own destiny is both empowering and brave. Much braver then hiding behind a keyboard trolling well wishers who just wish to pay there last respects.

Perhaps there not "getting enough".

Mirtazapine: my experience so far

I touched on the fact I took mirtazapine the other day but having got more involved in certain online communities recently I noticed that quite a few people ask about this drug a lot. So having moved onto this in November having previously tried citralopram I thought I would write about my experience so far.

Without the tablets, my mind is thinking dozens of thoughts at the same time, I tend to over analyse things and try to determine the psychology behind things. Whilst at this time this ability to read a situation has stood me in good stead at other times it has hindered me, made me socially awkward and perhaps led to me responding to things in the wrong way.

Since I've gone onto mirtazapine my mind is focused, I can channel myself and my thoughts into one task at a time and complete it to the best of my ability. Multi-tasking is less chaotic, I tend to order my tasks and go from there where's as normally I'd half ass things and then give up. Even simple things like the laundry or washing up.

Because in the past I couldn't concentrate completly on the task at hand, thoughts would wonder across my mind and I'd be distracted and therefore lose focus.

I found in the past that I could go into myself, especially in social situations where there was multiple conversations or activities occurring. With so many thoughts in my head I couldn't cope and would therefore try and escape into my own mind, which was often darker then the environment and would lead to me been a total "dolly downer" and eventual paranoia. For some reason in that situation to sit up and say hang on im confused can you explain what you mean or why you said that seems rude plus who wants to acknowledge the fact there is too much going on for them to function mentally?

On the tablets, this happens less and less although it can still occur. When one becomes uncomfortable anxiety still spreads but it happens less often the only problem is now I can fully focus on something, if I do go in on myself, there is no distraction to drag me away from it other then to completly remove myself from said situation. A fight or flight reflex takes hold.

Mirtazapine will kill your sex drive, I used to have quite a fairly active sex life but since January 7th penetrative sex has been off the cards. Not through lack of opportunity but a general "I can't be bothered" attitude towards sex. When your in the dark places of your mind, sex becomes an outlet, we can take control of a sexual situation and feel in control. Eventually this behaviour becomes a type of self harm, we feel low, we lack self esteem and sex provides us with a feeling of been wanted, desired and loved even if its just for that moment.

But of course a crash comes along with it and eventually were repeating the same patterns of behaviour and ot actually getting any further along with our recovery.  Now on Mirtazapine I don't feel that way, I think because I feel more In control of my life, I don't need to find something I can control and been gay there is no shortage of sleezy bottoms who want to be controlled. It's not a good coping mechanism. Plus the fact it's potentially dangerous in terms of STDs you could contract.

Now I'm feeling more in control then before, I feel less bothered about been accepted or fitting in, I want to focus on fitting in with me and that's been a long time coming.

Now mirtazapine ain't a wonder drug, it has a few draw backs.

Sleep, you will either get loads or you will get none, I take mine before bed and sometimes ill drift off for upto fourteen hours. (Lush) other times I'm restless and feel wired and won't sleep at all. I'm assured this eventually evens itself out and more recently I have started to notice getting up in a morning is less problematic. In the fits of dark thoughts getting out of bed isn't a priority, your at a standstill, you don't know what the point of living is and you doubt anyone would anyone care if you was dead. Now these thoughts still exist at times, but they don't hamper me when I wake up which means I can have a more productive day.


Alcohol has in the past also been problematic for me, in times of depression well I'd drink, brave face stiff upper lip and build a barrier of bullshit to avoid the problems your facing. Now on the meds, drinking is still problematic. Not because I can't tear myself away from the pub as it has been in the past but because it gets me rat arsed so quick.
My limits have changed and I have to adjust, I've had alcohol blackout before but never as severe as I have whilst on mirtazapine. You will wake up and say what the actual fuck? What happened and how did I get home and I can assure you whatever happened you're going to regret. All that time your thought you was asleep well you've been in zombie mode doing things you shouldn't have. I'm now accepting that if I'm going to drink on these tablets I've gotte be responsible. No spirits or shots, just a light lager alternated with a few drinks of water because if I go under no one will notice and my behaviour will change and where's I should be put into bed anything could happen and that's a scary thought.
I find I sweat a lot more and a lot quicker on these tablets, this is something I'm going to address with he quack. Regular showering and clean clothes are a must but how would this work in the work place?
Finally expect a bit more body fat, your metabolism is going to slow right down on these bad boys and now your functionality has improved your gonna eat more and shit more too. The one benefit of this is its going to get me back int the gym and going to the gym and doing exercise is both motivating and rewarding. It's challenging at times but its gives you goals to work towards and achieve. The feeling of accomplishment can not be underestimated and I believe if I'm going to move on with my recovery then I need to start achieving to release some positive endorphins in a positive way.
Until next time

The isolation game

Isolation is something I often crave.

To switch off the phone and ignore the world all day whilst you escape into your own world can be quite pleasant sometimes. You can sit back, take stock of your tasks and do as you please. At least for the first day it's pleasant.

It works the first day because its nice to relax, it's nice not having to paint that picture that life is okay and things are great. It's often not the case and you find yourself lying so as not to bring others down.

Which anyone who suffers with depression will know what I mean by that, we crave to push out all that negativity and darkness but often it's too much for people to handle and they shut down the conversation, change the topic or talk to someone else. Inside your raging, you think you bastard it's took so much courage for me to get this off my chest and then bang it's shot down in flames and you feel worse for it. No one likes a dolly downer do they?

Anyway I digress, the second day of isolation is usually mixed it will start great and end with an urge for face to face contact or you start the day well then retreat back to the safety of your own company. It's strange, but I think after that day of relaxation we all like, we kind of trick ourselves into thinking, things will be okay if it's just me, myself and I.

The one flaw in this, is as a victim of depression we desire to feel normal and to be accepted so often we throw ourselves into social situations we can't actually manage in order to fulfil this craving and it always ends with the retreat back into ourselves.

I once stayed in bed for six weeks, I rarely ate and only went to the bathroom to use the loo. How my partner at the time put up with me Ill never know. But it's so easily done after that third day in isolation, we prefer to keep our world as small as possible in order to protect ourselves, but once we get comfortable within our own bubble it becomes a monumental task to escape it and is usually accompanied by a dose of anxiety or a panic attack.

It's as if  you can't ever get from A to Z and the road to recovery extends itself some more. That is if the fabled route exists?

A lifetime of tablets?

I take my tablets before bed, I'm on mitasapene.

I've been on a host of other tablets before, in the past I've found them to be inconsistent, these so far have worked out better. But I'm worried I'm now reliant on them and going to be for the rest of my life. I missed a tablet last night and today the whole clear headed feeling they've been giving me was slightly faded.

The dark thoughts were trying to push through and my over active thinking started to take place again. I accept that missing a tablet was probably a mistake and completly my own fault. But now I realise how reliant I am on them and can't imagine a time when I'd be able to cope day to day without those dark thoughts been at the forefront of my mind.

That reliance that has developed has never been an issue until recently, I'm low on confidence and the thought I need tablets to be somewhat normal makes me feel like a freak. The urge is to stop the medication and go back to hiding the problem, but that in itself isn't healthy. However the alternative is to live with a shame that depression brings, it's something I feel embarrassed about, with a stranger I don't mind explaining my illness but too friends and family it's so much harder to be open and honest as you don't want to be treated differently or perhaps cause worry.

In some instances it's easier to push them away, because the smaller your world the less problems you have right? But then you lose possible support and valuable company. With depression there doesn't seem to be a right or wrong way of overcoming it. Just a series of mistakes made out of poor judgement which further weigh you down.

This year is going to be a turning point one way or the other, for better for worse but even if things get better in theory. A new situation will mean new problems so is it not easier to live in a world confined to crisis you can control?

Anyway until next time

Job interview leads to depressive state!

Today's been weird, I thought the job interview would give me a lift but it hasn't. If anything it's reinforced certain connotations I had about myself not because the interview was shit but because I've had to face up to past failures to myself. I sat on the train back and thought about missed opportunities and how much a lack of effort at times has held me back.

Too manŷ mistakes and repeat mistakes and your left thinking "what actually is my self worth?" We all have this idea of where we wanna be, where we should be and where are standing in life is. No one ever thinks of the journey and when I think of mine all I see is delays, cancellations and replacement busses. 

My depression is my disease but more recently a lack of confidence has grown upon me. More happy to hide away and shun reality. Even at my lowest ebb I still had confidence. Now I sit here and question am I good enough, I ponder where I want to be and how far away from my goals I am, I wonder how to attain them without dreaming and concentrate on the realism and when I do that I'm left with the thought I'm not good enough and I won't succeed.

But I've not reached the end where you think what's the point I keep on going! But why? Who knows.

It's liam vs himself yet again, but instead of wanting to hide from my feelings and my dark place I'm wanting to fight it and step away from it and leave it behind. 

I'm going in on myself but for once I'm pushing outwards. So excuse me for this inane rambling. But it's better out then in.