The isolation game

Isolation is something I often crave.

To switch off the phone and ignore the world all day whilst you escape into your own world can be quite pleasant sometimes. You can sit back, take stock of your tasks and do as you please. At least for the first day it's pleasant.

It works the first day because its nice to relax, it's nice not having to paint that picture that life is okay and things are great. It's often not the case and you find yourself lying so as not to bring others down.

Which anyone who suffers with depression will know what I mean by that, we crave to push out all that negativity and darkness but often it's too much for people to handle and they shut down the conversation, change the topic or talk to someone else. Inside your raging, you think you bastard it's took so much courage for me to get this off my chest and then bang it's shot down in flames and you feel worse for it. No one likes a dolly downer do they?

Anyway I digress, the second day of isolation is usually mixed it will start great and end with an urge for face to face contact or you start the day well then retreat back to the safety of your own company. It's strange, but I think after that day of relaxation we all like, we kind of trick ourselves into thinking, things will be okay if it's just me, myself and I.

The one flaw in this, is as a victim of depression we desire to feel normal and to be accepted so often we throw ourselves into social situations we can't actually manage in order to fulfil this craving and it always ends with the retreat back into ourselves.

I once stayed in bed for six weeks, I rarely ate and only went to the bathroom to use the loo. How my partner at the time put up with me Ill never know. But it's so easily done after that third day in isolation, we prefer to keep our world as small as possible in order to protect ourselves, but once we get comfortable within our own bubble it becomes a monumental task to escape it and is usually accompanied by a dose of anxiety or a panic attack.

It's as if  you can't ever get from A to Z and the road to recovery extends itself some more. That is if the fabled route exists?

A lifetime of tablets?

I take my tablets before bed, I'm on mitasapene.

I've been on a host of other tablets before, in the past I've found them to be inconsistent, these so far have worked out better. But I'm worried I'm now reliant on them and going to be for the rest of my life. I missed a tablet last night and today the whole clear headed feeling they've been giving me was slightly faded.

The dark thoughts were trying to push through and my over active thinking started to take place again. I accept that missing a tablet was probably a mistake and completly my own fault. But now I realise how reliant I am on them and can't imagine a time when I'd be able to cope day to day without those dark thoughts been at the forefront of my mind.

That reliance that has developed has never been an issue until recently, I'm low on confidence and the thought I need tablets to be somewhat normal makes me feel like a freak. The urge is to stop the medication and go back to hiding the problem, but that in itself isn't healthy. However the alternative is to live with a shame that depression brings, it's something I feel embarrassed about, with a stranger I don't mind explaining my illness but too friends and family it's so much harder to be open and honest as you don't want to be treated differently or perhaps cause worry.

In some instances it's easier to push them away, because the smaller your world the less problems you have right? But then you lose possible support and valuable company. With depression there doesn't seem to be a right or wrong way of overcoming it. Just a series of mistakes made out of poor judgement which further weigh you down.

This year is going to be a turning point one way or the other, for better for worse but even if things get better in theory. A new situation will mean new problems so is it not easier to live in a world confined to crisis you can control?

Anyway until next time

Job interview leads to depressive state!

Today's been weird, I thought the job interview would give me a lift but it hasn't. If anything it's reinforced certain connotations I had about myself not because the interview was shit but because I've had to face up to past failures to myself. I sat on the train back and thought about missed opportunities and how much a lack of effort at times has held me back.

Too manŷ mistakes and repeat mistakes and your left thinking "what actually is my self worth?" We all have this idea of where we wanna be, where we should be and where are standing in life is. No one ever thinks of the journey and when I think of mine all I see is delays, cancellations and replacement busses. 

My depression is my disease but more recently a lack of confidence has grown upon me. More happy to hide away and shun reality. Even at my lowest ebb I still had confidence. Now I sit here and question am I good enough, I ponder where I want to be and how far away from my goals I am, I wonder how to attain them without dreaming and concentrate on the realism and when I do that I'm left with the thought I'm not good enough and I won't succeed.

But I've not reached the end where you think what's the point I keep on going! But why? Who knows.

It's liam vs himself yet again, but instead of wanting to hide from my feelings and my dark place I'm wanting to fight it and step away from it and leave it behind. 

I'm going in on myself but for once I'm pushing outwards. So excuse me for this inane rambling. But it's better out then in.