A lifetime of tablets?

I take my tablets before bed, I'm on mitasapene.

I've been on a host of other tablets before, in the past I've found them to be inconsistent, these so far have worked out better. But I'm worried I'm now reliant on them and going to be for the rest of my life. I missed a tablet last night and today the whole clear headed feeling they've been giving me was slightly faded.

The dark thoughts were trying to push through and my over active thinking started to take place again. I accept that missing a tablet was probably a mistake and completly my own fault. But now I realise how reliant I am on them and can't imagine a time when I'd be able to cope day to day without those dark thoughts been at the forefront of my mind.

That reliance that has developed has never been an issue until recently, I'm low on confidence and the thought I need tablets to be somewhat normal makes me feel like a freak. The urge is to stop the medication and go back to hiding the problem, but that in itself isn't healthy. However the alternative is to live with a shame that depression brings, it's something I feel embarrassed about, with a stranger I don't mind explaining my illness but too friends and family it's so much harder to be open and honest as you don't want to be treated differently or perhaps cause worry.

In some instances it's easier to push them away, because the smaller your world the less problems you have right? But then you lose possible support and valuable company. With depression there doesn't seem to be a right or wrong way of overcoming it. Just a series of mistakes made out of poor judgement which further weigh you down.

This year is going to be a turning point one way or the other, for better for worse but even if things get better in theory. A new situation will mean new problems so is it not easier to live in a world confined to crisis you can control?

Anyway until next time