The isolation game

Isolation is something I often crave.

To switch off the phone and ignore the world all day whilst you escape into your own world can be quite pleasant sometimes. You can sit back, take stock of your tasks and do as you please. At least for the first day it's pleasant.

It works the first day because its nice to relax, it's nice not having to paint that picture that life is okay and things are great. It's often not the case and you find yourself lying so as not to bring others down.

Which anyone who suffers with depression will know what I mean by that, we crave to push out all that negativity and darkness but often it's too much for people to handle and they shut down the conversation, change the topic or talk to someone else. Inside your raging, you think you bastard it's took so much courage for me to get this off my chest and then bang it's shot down in flames and you feel worse for it. No one likes a dolly downer do they?

Anyway I digress, the second day of isolation is usually mixed it will start great and end with an urge for face to face contact or you start the day well then retreat back to the safety of your own company. It's strange, but I think after that day of relaxation we all like, we kind of trick ourselves into thinking, things will be okay if it's just me, myself and I.

The one flaw in this, is as a victim of depression we desire to feel normal and to be accepted so often we throw ourselves into social situations we can't actually manage in order to fulfil this craving and it always ends with the retreat back into ourselves.

I once stayed in bed for six weeks, I rarely ate and only went to the bathroom to use the loo. How my partner at the time put up with me Ill never know. But it's so easily done after that third day in isolation, we prefer to keep our world as small as possible in order to protect ourselves, but once we get comfortable within our own bubble it becomes a monumental task to escape it and is usually accompanied by a dose of anxiety or a panic attack.

It's as if  you can't ever get from A to Z and the road to recovery extends itself some more. That is if the fabled route exists?