R.I.P LIL Chris Hardman

I remember been in high school, wanting to come out and at one time wanting to be a rock star. I tried and failed to master the guitar and once my voice broke my singing voice was nowhere to be seen.

Then this cute boy called LIL Chris the same age as me, appeared on my screen, living out my dream, he became my first gay crush and I followed his success curiously through my teen years. As I got older he disappeared from view. He disappeared from the mainstream and tried to rebrand without critical success as Chris Hardman and he became another victim of depression.

The jaws of depression have gripped him tight and it would appear that he has taken his life. Something I've tried on numerous occasions. When I read the news my heart sank, to see someone who was my first gay crush suffer and be taken by depression is hard to stomach. Sadly it seems he tried to reach out about his depression on social media on a number of occasions and perhaps that voice wasn't heard. What's sad about this, is that perhaps intervention could have been possible if social media sites had better suicide prevention measures or indeed a facilities to help those feeling bullied, depressed or suicidal.

In times of crisis people often use social media as an outlet to cry for help but far to often that voice isn't heard. It's time society starts to detect the signs of depression and treat this illness like any other. Without stigma.

On a side note, the trolls on YouTube and other social media should be ashamed, I've read comments that have accused him of taking the "easy way out". For the record in my opinion, suicide is one of the most bravest and rewarding things someone with depression can do. When you can see no answers and you can see no light, no hope, no future. To take back control of your life even at those last moments and have control over your own destiny is both empowering and brave. Much braver then hiding behind a keyboard trolling well wishers who just wish to pay there last respects.

Perhaps there not "getting enough".

Mirtazapine: my experience so far

I touched on the fact I took mirtazapine the other day but having got more involved in certain online communities recently I noticed that quite a few people ask about this drug a lot. So having moved onto this in November having previously tried citralopram I thought I would write about my experience so far.

Without the tablets, my mind is thinking dozens of thoughts at the same time, I tend to over analyse things and try to determine the psychology behind things. Whilst at this time this ability to read a situation has stood me in good stead at other times it has hindered me, made me socially awkward and perhaps led to me responding to things in the wrong way.

Since I've gone onto mirtazapine my mind is focused, I can channel myself and my thoughts into one task at a time and complete it to the best of my ability. Multi-tasking is less chaotic, I tend to order my tasks and go from there where's as normally I'd half ass things and then give up. Even simple things like the laundry or washing up.

Because in the past I couldn't concentrate completly on the task at hand, thoughts would wonder across my mind and I'd be distracted and therefore lose focus.

I found in the past that I could go into myself, especially in social situations where there was multiple conversations or activities occurring. With so many thoughts in my head I couldn't cope and would therefore try and escape into my own mind, which was often darker then the environment and would lead to me been a total "dolly downer" and eventual paranoia. For some reason in that situation to sit up and say hang on im confused can you explain what you mean or why you said that seems rude plus who wants to acknowledge the fact there is too much going on for them to function mentally?

On the tablets, this happens less and less although it can still occur. When one becomes uncomfortable anxiety still spreads but it happens less often the only problem is now I can fully focus on something, if I do go in on myself, there is no distraction to drag me away from it other then to completly remove myself from said situation. A fight or flight reflex takes hold.

Mirtazapine will kill your sex drive, I used to have quite a fairly active sex life but since January 7th penetrative sex has been off the cards. Not through lack of opportunity but a general "I can't be bothered" attitude towards sex. When your in the dark places of your mind, sex becomes an outlet, we can take control of a sexual situation and feel in control. Eventually this behaviour becomes a type of self harm, we feel low, we lack self esteem and sex provides us with a feeling of been wanted, desired and loved even if its just for that moment.

But of course a crash comes along with it and eventually were repeating the same patterns of behaviour and ot actually getting any further along with our recovery.  Now on Mirtazapine I don't feel that way, I think because I feel more In control of my life, I don't need to find something I can control and been gay there is no shortage of sleezy bottoms who want to be controlled. It's not a good coping mechanism. Plus the fact it's potentially dangerous in terms of STDs you could contract.

Now I'm feeling more in control then before, I feel less bothered about been accepted or fitting in, I want to focus on fitting in with me and that's been a long time coming.

Now mirtazapine ain't a wonder drug, it has a few draw backs.

Sleep, you will either get loads or you will get none, I take mine before bed and sometimes ill drift off for upto fourteen hours. (Lush) other times I'm restless and feel wired and won't sleep at all. I'm assured this eventually evens itself out and more recently I have started to notice getting up in a morning is less problematic. In the fits of dark thoughts getting out of bed isn't a priority, your at a standstill, you don't know what the point of living is and you doubt anyone would anyone care if you was dead. Now these thoughts still exist at times, but they don't hamper me when I wake up which means I can have a more productive day.


Alcohol has in the past also been problematic for me, in times of depression well I'd drink, brave face stiff upper lip and build a barrier of bullshit to avoid the problems your facing. Now on the meds, drinking is still problematic. Not because I can't tear myself away from the pub as it has been in the past but because it gets me rat arsed so quick.
My limits have changed and I have to adjust, I've had alcohol blackout before but never as severe as I have whilst on mirtazapine. You will wake up and say what the actual fuck? What happened and how did I get home and I can assure you whatever happened you're going to regret. All that time your thought you was asleep well you've been in zombie mode doing things you shouldn't have. I'm now accepting that if I'm going to drink on these tablets I've gotte be responsible. No spirits or shots, just a light lager alternated with a few drinks of water because if I go under no one will notice and my behaviour will change and where's I should be put into bed anything could happen and that's a scary thought.
I find I sweat a lot more and a lot quicker on these tablets, this is something I'm going to address with he quack. Regular showering and clean clothes are a must but how would this work in the work place?
Finally expect a bit more body fat, your metabolism is going to slow right down on these bad boys and now your functionality has improved your gonna eat more and shit more too. The one benefit of this is its going to get me back int the gym and going to the gym and doing exercise is both motivating and rewarding. It's challenging at times but its gives you goals to work towards and achieve. The feeling of accomplishment can not be underestimated and I believe if I'm going to move on with my recovery then I need to start achieving to release some positive endorphins in a positive way.
Until next time